Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
 There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
 Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
 Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
 ....Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
 For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
 I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
 The beatings will continue until morale improves.
 I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
 Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
 Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
 Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
 There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
 Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
 A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
 I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
 Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
 If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
 Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
rock.
 Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
 If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
 If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
 Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
 It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
 Help Wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply.
 Look out for #1.  Don't step in #2 either.
 Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
 Car service:  If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
 Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
 Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.
 Dain bramaged.
 Department of Redundancy Department
 Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
 What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.
 Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
 COFFEE..EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
 Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
 Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
 My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features.
 C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL  C:\DOS   C:\DOS\RUN   RUN\DOS\RUN
 <-------- The information went data way -------- >
 Best file compression around:  "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
 The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
 BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
 The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
 Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
 C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
 Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
 Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
 Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
 E Pluribus Modem
 ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
 Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
 A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
 An error?  Impossible!  My modem is error correcting.
 CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted:  Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
 Does fuzzy logic tickle?
 A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
 24 hours in a day...24 pops in a case...coincidence?
 Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
 Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
 Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
 Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
 RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
 Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
 All computers wait at the same speed.
 DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
 Press <CTRL-<ALT-<DEL to continue ...
 Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
 Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
 ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
 E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
 Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
 All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
 Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
 "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
 DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
 Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
 Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
 Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
 REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
 Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
 Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
 Read my chips: No new upgrades!
 Hit any user to continue.
 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
 I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
 Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
 Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
 Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
 Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
 (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
 (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
 If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be
the process of putting them in.
 Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
 Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with
inanimate objects.
 Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be
hard to understand.
 Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
 Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!

>>>===================================================
>>>
>>>The attached is an unbridged excerpt from a 1950's Home Economics
>>>Textbook - The Good Wives' Guide
>>>
>>>===================================================
>>>
>>>Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
>>>delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of
letting
>>>him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned
about his
>>>needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a
>>>good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the welcome
needed.
>>>
>>>Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed
>>>when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in you hair and
>>>be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
>>>
>>>Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day
>>>may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
>>>
>>>Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
>>>the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks,
toys,
>>>paper etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables.
>>>
>>>Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a
fire
>>>for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven
of
>>>rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering
for his
>>>comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
>>>
>>>Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the childrens hands
>>>and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary,
change
>>>their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see
them
>>>playing the part.
>>>
>>>Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of
>>>the washer, dryer and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be
>>>quiet. Be happy to see him.
>>>
>>>Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to
>>>please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to
tell him
>>>but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first -
remember,
>>>his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
>>>
>>>Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes
out
>>>to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try
>>>to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need
to
>>>be at home to relax.
>>>
>>>Your goal. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and
>>>tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
>>>
>>>Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's
>>>late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this minor
>>>compared to what he might have gone through that day.
>>>
>>>Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
>>>have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink  ready
for him.
>>>Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low
>>>soothing and pleasent voice.
>>>
>>>Don't ask him about his actions or question his judgement or
 >>>integrity. Remember, he is master of the house and as such will
always
>exercise
>>>his will with fairness and truthfulnes. You have not right to
question
>>>him.
>>>
>>>A good wife always knows her place.
>

>     An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter
checks
>     his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong
>     place."  So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let
in.
>     Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of
comfort
>     in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.  After a
>     while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators,
>     and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
>
>     One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
>     "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
>
>     Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
>     conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling
>     what this engineer is going to come up with next."
>
>     God replies, "What???? You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake--he
>     should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
>
>     Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I'm
>     keeping him."
>
>     God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
>
>     Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just
where
>     are you going to get a lawyer?"
>
>
>

  WHY GOD HAS NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT A MAJOR UNIVERSITY
 
    1.He had only one major publication.
 
    2.It was in Hebrew.
 
    3.It had no references.
 
    4.It wasn't published in a refereed journal...
 
    5.Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
 
    6.It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done
     since then ?
 
    7.His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
 
    8.The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his
      results.
 
    9.He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use
      human subjects.
 
   10.When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by
      drowning the subjects.
 
   11.When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
      the sample.
 
   12.He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
 
   13.Some say he had his son teach the class.
 
   14.He expelled his first two students for learning.
 
   15.Although there were only ten requirements, most students
      failed his tests.
 
   16.His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a
       mountain top.

>Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
>-------------------------------
>..........................................................
>There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool
>yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision
>of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity,
>selfishness, and horniness of the average human being.  Allow me to
>describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
>
>Medical Technology
>------------------
>On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close
>any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands
>of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal
>your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty
>stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy
>that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
>
>Transporter
>-----------
>It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and
>then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your
>co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who
>won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after
>taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the
>transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into
>walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time
>apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their
>bodies.
>
>'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch
>yesterday.'
>
>If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the
>house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries,
>stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my
>house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to
>arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my
>walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the
>good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
>
>
>If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what
>I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the
>commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back
>before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with
>the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it
>would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have
>to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all
>the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life.
>There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my
>time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
>
>Holodeck
>--------
>For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can
>create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The
>characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks
>from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close
>the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard
>to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil
>massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
>
>Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to
>go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations
>ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about
>it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
>
>I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
>
>Sex with Aliens
>---------------
>
>According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with
>creatures who would like to have sex with humans.
>This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine
>the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings,
>much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly
>transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for
>who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You
>would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what
>moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.
>
>        Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
>        -----------------------------------
>
>        Me:      May I touch that?
>
>        Alien:  That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
>                separate corporeal being that has been
>                attached to my body for six hundred years.
>
>        Me:     It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
>                have sex with it.
>
>
>        Alien:  That's exactly what I said six hundred
>                years ago.
>
>The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek
>model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I
>don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically,
>the future won't be that convenient.
>
>Phasers
>-------
>I would love to have a device that would stun people into
>unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times
>a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd
>zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me
>at the theater, zap!
>
>On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It
>happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by
 >an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the
>Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien
>possession' defense is credible.
>
>Criminal:  Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and
>           I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed
>           by an evil alien entity.
>
>Officer:         Well, okay. Move along.
>
>I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to
>stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence
>and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the
>bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's
>dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him
>barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a
>phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean
>shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise,
>so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and
>I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll
>explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog,
>a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
>
>And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
>
>Cyborgs
>-------
>Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent
>human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a
>human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool
>to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might
>have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would
>save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular
>design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.
>
>I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at
>someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program
>myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would
 >appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'
>
>It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way
>I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people
>talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine
>during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day
>long.
>
>I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush
>of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the
>look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has
>something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone
>wanting to be a cyborg.
>
>The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're
>at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the
>casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by
>saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to
>the service.
 >
>Shields
>-------
>I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time,
>especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my
>personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also
>had a phaser to play with.
>
>I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the
>Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could
>insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs
>of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future.
>On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
>
>             Shopping with Shields Up
>             ------------------------
>
>
>        Me:          Ring this up for me, you
 >                     unpleasant cretin.
>
>        Saleswoman:  I oughta slug you!
>
>        Me:          Try it. My shields are up.
>
>        Saleswoman:  Damn!
>
>        Me:          There's nothing you can do to
>                     harm me.
>
>        Saleswoman:  I guess you're right. Would you like
>                     to open a charge account? Our interest
>                     rates are very reasonable.
>
>        Me:          Nice try.
>
>
>Long-Range Sensors
 >------------------
>If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for
>new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could
>run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself
>out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office,
>you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that
>means extra break time.
>
>Vulcan Death Grip
>-----------------
>Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such
>thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were.
>That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the
>Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.
>
>'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
>
>I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other
>citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting
 >caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually
>undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You
>wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the
>sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in
>corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger
>raise, but . . . erk!'
>
>And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
>

> A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long
> flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and
> asks if
> he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a
> nap, so
> he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
> winks. The
> Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot
> of
> fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
> answer,
> you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the
> answer,
> I'll pay you $5."
>  Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The
>  Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the
> answer
>  you
> pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This
 > catches
> the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he
> plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first
> question.
> "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't
> say
> a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and
> hands
> it to the Programmer.  Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the
> Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on
> four?"
> The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
> laptop
> computer and searches all  of his references. He taps into the
> Aerophone
> with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.
> Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.
> After
> about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer
 > politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The
> Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks
> "Well,
> so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his
> wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away and goes back to
> sleep.

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered. The
element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons
and thus has an atomic number of 0. However it does have 1 Neutron, 128
Assistant Neutrons, 75 Vice-Neutrons and 111 Assistant Vice- Neutrons.
This gives it an atomic weight of 315. These 315 particles are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange
of meson-like particles called Morons.
 
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every other reaction with which it
comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of
Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete,
when it would normally occur in less than one second.
 
Administratium has a normal life of aproximately 3 years, at which time
it does not decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganisation in which
Assistant Neutrons, Vice-Neutrons and Assistant Vice-Neutrons exchange
places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually
increases after each reorganisation.
 
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government, large companies, health facilities and universities;
and will often be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.
 
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine
how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.
 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
 
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
 
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
 
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
 
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
 
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
 
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
 
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
 
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
 
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
 
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
 

HAIRCUT
 
 
Women's version:
 ---------------
 
Woman2: Oh!   You got a haircut!  That's so cute!
 
Woman1: Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy lo
oking?

Woman2: Oh God no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut like
that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck with
this stuff I think.
 
Woman1: Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think.
I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would
accent my long neck.
 
Woman2: Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!  Anything to
take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
 
Woman1: Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms
 - see how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes
to fit me so much easier.
 
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Men's version:
 -------------
 
Man2:   Haircut?
Man1:   Yeah.

High Tech Computer Sales Jargon

NEW - Different color from previous design

ALL NEW - Parts not interchangable with previous design

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product

UNMATHCED - Almost as good as the competition

DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone

FOLLPROOF OPERATION - No provisions for adjustments

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it

IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody new it was coming

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works

REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitors

BREANTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does

DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others

MAINTANENCE-FREE - Impossible to fix

RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope.

HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on

PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours

ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell

BRAODCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture that produces noise

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it

SMPTE BUS COMPATIBLE - When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound

NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, maybe this one will work

MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction

CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports

UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way

BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check

MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we can't explain

LATEST AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of out techs was laid off by Boeing

 As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from
that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased
to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only
Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau.  At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.  One presumes
there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical).  This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house.  Assuming that each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of
course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will
accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of
75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at
least once every 31 hours,  plus feeding etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.   4)
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming that
each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the
sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight.  On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds.  Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine.  We need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison- this is four times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.  Each.  In
short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06
timesgreater than gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
dead now.
 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
hotel's staff and one of its guests.  The London hotel involved submitted
this to the Sunday Times.  No name was mentioned.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish.  They are in my way.  Thank you,

                                         S. Berman

------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
dish as you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and
put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily.  I hope this is satisfactory.

  Kathy, Relief Maid

------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little
bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added
3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.  I am going to be
here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I
won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf.  They are in my way
when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.

                                         S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed.  so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are
instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on
the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was.  I put the Dial
in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.  I didn't remove the 3
complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for
all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last
Monday.  Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

  Your regular maid, Dotty

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
 
 

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called
him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.  I have
assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will accept my apologies for
any past inconvenience.  If you have any future complaints please contact me
so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and
5PM.  Thank you.
                                         Elaine Carmen
                                         Housekeeper

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business
at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM.  That's the reason I called
Mr. Kensedder last night.  You were already off duty.  I only asked Mr.
Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.  The new
maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she
left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her
regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf.  In just 5 days here I
have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.  Why are you doing this to me?

                                         S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you,

                                         Elaine Carmen,
                                         Housekeeper

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from my- room
including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in late last night and had to call
the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

                                         S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper ,Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.  The
situation will be rectified immediately.  Please accept my apologies for the
inconvenience.  Martin L.  Kensedder Assistant Manager

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?  I came in last- night
and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little bars of Camay.  I
want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.  Do you realize I have 54 bars of
soap in here.  All I want is my bath size Dial.  Please give me back my
bath-size Dial.  S.  Berman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so Ihad them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic).  I don't know anything about
the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.  I
don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial.  I was
able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

   Elaine Carmen
   Housekeeper

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.  As of
today I possess:
- - - -- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
- - - -- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- - - -- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- - - -- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of
2.
- - - -- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- - - -- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- - - -- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly
piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a
tendency to tip.  May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and
will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.  One more item, I
have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel
vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

 S.  Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that
present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the
surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially
true in
light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in
an intensive push for new laws that will mandate
the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of
every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested
list of warnings appears below.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to
the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles
Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from
Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe,
Including Your Neighbor's
Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or
Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this
Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion
Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any
Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This
Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a
"Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known
and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May
Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional.
However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above
and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
New Dimensions
Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will
Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,
and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its
Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge,
the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

The topic for today is quantum physics. Quantum physics was developed in the
1930's, as a result of a bet between Albert Einstein and Niels Bohr, to see
who could come up with the most ridiculous theory and still have it
published. Most people agree that Bohr won hands down, although Einstein did
very well in the swimsuit competition.

One of the most important researchers in quantum physics is Werner
Heisenberg, a man with a wonderful sense of humor, who was always cracking
one-liners, like "delta-p times delta-x is less than h!" Ha! ha! What a card!
This is known as Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, which is closely related
to Goedel's Incompleteness Theorem, which says that some things are true, but
you can't prove them, like when my wife and I argue over whether it's her
turn to take out the garbage or not.

What Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle says is that if something is small
enough, you can't say anything about it. Anyone with the I.Q. of baking
powder immediately understood that this means that if you look at something
so small that you can't even *see* it, like my dog, Oscar Wilde's, brain,
then you obviously can't tell, say, what color it is.

But some people didn't get the joke, and decided to investigate this
principle further. They would gather and sit around all day, drinking beer
and performing "Gedankesexperimenten," or "Thank God we're theoretical
physicists so we don't have to get our hands dirty with particle accelerators
and other heavy machinery." The most famous of these is Schroedinger's Cat,
where several physicists kidnap Erwin Schroedinger's cat Fluffy and lock it
up in a box, along with a radioactive source such as Cheez Doodles. Then they
walk around with concerned expressions on their faces, commenting about how
they don't know what's going on inside the box.  This goes on until the
cleaning lady discovers the box, opens it and tells the physicists whether
the cat is dead, or whether it has mutated into a man-eating flea the size of
Norway.

The point of this experiment is to show that uncertainty at the quantum level
can be detected in the macroscopic world and produce widespread anxiety and
paranoia. It also explains why paper clips just lie there while you look at
them, but as soon as you turn your back, they run away, giggling wildly, and
transform themselves into coat hangers.

Another famous researcher is Richard Feynman, who invented Feynman diagrams,
which are bunches of squiggly lines with Greek letters next to them. The way
they were discovered was, one day, Hans Bethe came in to Feynman's office to
say that some of the guys down in particle research were having a jam session
down by the cyclotron, and would Richard like to come over and bring his
bongos? Feynman was out, at the time, cracking a safe or something, so Bethe
tried to leave him a note. On the desk, he found one of Feynman's daughter's
kindergarten drawings. Bethe couldn't make head or tail of it, and figured
that if even he couldn't understand it, then it must be something Terribly
Clever, and promptly called it a Feynman diagram.

This was a major scientific breakthrough, and ever since, proud parents have
been hanging their children's Feynman diagrams on refrigerators with little
muon-shaped magnets, confident that their Little Darlings are developing
important scientific theories every day, because they are, after all, Gifted
Children.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of
    its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible
    with the existing standards of our day.  To this end, our technicians
    have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC -
    that is, the "Politically Correct."
 
                           Politically Correct UNIX
                           System VI Release notes
 
    UTILITIES:
 
    "man" pages are now called "person" pages.
 
    Similarly, "hangman" is now the
    "person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime."
 
    To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat" command is
    now merely "domestic_quadruped."
 
    To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the
    male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no.  To
    address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a
    "-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if the "no" is
    ignored.
 
    The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by
    the more neutral "gendre" command.
 
    The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due
    to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
 
    "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command.
    Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males)
    should be archived via "tar" and "feather".
 
    The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan
    era.  System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less" command.
 
    The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally unfriendly
    "LaTeX".
 
    SHELL COMMANDS:
 
    To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has been
    renamed "euthanise."
 
    The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give
    themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be
    "nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged users
    to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
 
    "history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory."
 
    "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be
    strictly enforced.
 
    The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."
 
    TERMINOLOGY:
 
    From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as
    "exploitive capitalist text".
 
    The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative.  Such processes
    will now be known as "spiritual guides."
 
    There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and
    "smart" terminals.  All terminals are equally valuable.
 
    Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was white
    on black.  This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly
    with respect to  people of African descent.  UNIX System VI now uses
    "regressive video" to refer to white on black, while "progressive
    video" can be any color at all over a white background.
 
    For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root"
    and his "wheel" oligarchy.  We have instituted a dictatorship of the
    users.  All system administration functions will be handled by the
    People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
 
    No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned"
    by users.  All files and processes will own themselves, and decided how
    (or whether) to respond to requests from users.
 
    The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window
    System.
 
    And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively
    Challenged.
    ----
    UNIX(tm) is a trademark of UNIX System Laboratories.  Any similarity of
    names or attitudes to that of any person, living or dead, is purely
    coincidental.
    ----

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  [Copy of a real letter from the Smithsonian...]
 
  Paleoanthropology Division
  Smithsonian Institute
  207 Pennsylvania Avenue
  Washington, DC 20078
 
  Dear Sir:
  Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
  "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
  skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
  examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your
  theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of
  Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it
  appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
  the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
  be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great
  deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
  quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
  work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
  findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
  attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
  it's modern origin:
 
 
       1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
  are typically fossilized bone.
 
       2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
  cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
  identified proto-hominids.
 
      3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
  consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
  "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
  wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
  of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
  history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
  rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
  let us say that:
 
            A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
                 that a dog has chewed on.
            B. Clams don't have teeth.
 
  It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
  request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
  to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and
  partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
  recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
  dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
  to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
  your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
  Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
  the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
  personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
  your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
  species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
  like it might be Latin.
 
  However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
  fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
  hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
  of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
  effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
  special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
  you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
  staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
  digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
  eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
  proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
  Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
  you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
  fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
  the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
  discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
  Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
 
                                Yours in Science,
 
 
                                Harvey Rowe
                                Curator, Antiquities
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Why did the chicken cross the road?
_______________________________
Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Hsi Wang Mu: To get to the dark side.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road,
but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the princely
chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each
interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be
discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find
out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that
it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be
of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences
into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into
the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being
which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented
avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable
occurrence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Alone.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.

Schrodinger: Chicken?  Chicken!?  Where's my cat?

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Frank Perdue: I breed the finest chicken I know how, and it crosses
the road as part of a vigorous fitness program to raise the leanest,
plumpest birds anywhere.  Besides, I was chasing it with this axe at
the time.

Ronald Reagan: I don't recall.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of
the opportunity.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

------------------Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President
Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the
war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in
American history, will provide the region with the critically needed
letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names
more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and
Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the
world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up
and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some
vowels in their incomprehensible words.

The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour." The
deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is
set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv
and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport
planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from
Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters
over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the
arrival of the vowels.

"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln,
44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is
understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my
poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident
Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George
Humphries. This is my dream."

If the initial airlift is successful, Clintn said the United States
will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's
airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other
nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British
"A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked
to participate, but declined. "With these valuable letters, the
people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new
words," Clinton said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much
easier for us to read their maps."

Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For decades
they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult
pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to
construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam
Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single
word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get
me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern
European countries." According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have
vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as:
"The potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "All my
children are dead from the war"

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a
foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US
shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like
Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's,
S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast
quantities of the letters were intercepted and horded by violent,
gun-toting warlords.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
 Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions that women ask men.
 
 1 -  "What are you thinking?"
 2 -  "Do you love me?"
 3 -  "Do I look fat?"
 4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
 5 -  "What would you do if I died?"
----------------------------------------------------------------

    What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
 explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer
 properly, which is to say dishonestly.
 
 For example:
 
 1 -  "What are you thinking?"
 
    The proper answer to this question, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've
 been pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
 caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky
 guy I am to have met you."  Obviously, this statement bears no
 resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time,
 which was most likely one of five things:
 
   a -  Football
   b -  Beer
   c -  How fat you are
   d -  How much prettier she is than you
   e -  How I would spend the insurance money if you died
 
    According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
 question came from Al Bundy, of "Married With Children", who was asked
 it by his wife, Peg.  He answered, "If I wanted you to know, I'd be
 talking instead of thinking."
 
    The other questions also have only one right answer, but many wrong
 answers:
 
 2 -  "Do you love me?"
 
    The correct answer to this question is, "Yes."  For those guys who
 feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."  Wrong
 answers include:
 
   a -  I suppose so.
   b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
   c -  That depends on what you mean by "love".
   d -  Does it matter?
   e -  Who, me?
 
 3 -  "Do I look fat?"
 
    The correct male response to this question is to confidently and
 emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
 Wrong answers include:
 
   a -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
   b -  Compared to what?
   c -  A little extra weight looks good on you.
   d -  I've seen fatter.
   e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your
        insurance policy.
 
 4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
 
    The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you
 were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an
 actress in a movie you just saw.  In any case, the correct response is,
 "No, you are much prettier."  Wrong answers include:
 
   a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
   b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
   c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
   d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
   e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your
        insurance policy.
 
 5 -  "What would you do if I died?"
 
    Correct answer:  "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise,
 life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself
 under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my
 way."  This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated
 by the following stupid exchange:
 
    "Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"
    "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do
    you ask such a question?"
    "Would you remarry?"  persevered the wife.
    "No, of course not, dear," said the husband.
    "Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
    "Of course I do, dear," he said.
    "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
    "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
    "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
    "Yes," said the husband.
    "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
    "Well yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.
    "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old
    clothes?"
    "I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
    "Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the pictures
    of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
    "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
    "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
    you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
    "Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She's left-handed..."
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Columnist DAVE BARRY
 
          Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about
        going to college.  (That is, of course, a lie.  The only things you
        young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex.  Trust
        me: these are closely related to college.)
 
          College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly
        two thousand hours and try to memorize things.  The two thousand
        hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time
        sleeping and trying to get dates.
 
          Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
 
          * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).  These
        include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and
        crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
 
          * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
        These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology,
        - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on.  The idea is, you memorize these
        things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them.
        If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay
        in college for the rest of your life.
 
          It's very difficult to forget everything.  For example, when I was
        in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of
        three metaphysical poets other than John Donne.  I have managed to
        forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were
        named Vaughan and Crashaw.  Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember
        something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed
        in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in
        my mind, right there in the supermarket.  It's a terrible waste of
        brain cells.
 
          After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
        choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
        forget the most things about.  Here is a very important piece of
        advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
        and Right Answers.
 
          This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology,
        or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts.  If, for
        example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class
        one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of
        the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result
        to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly*
        the answer the professor has in mind, you fail.  The same is true of
        chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen
        combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you.  He wants you to
        come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have
        agreed on.  Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
 
          So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy,
        psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really
        understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve
        virtually no actual facts.  I attended classes in all these
        subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:
 
          ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have
        read little snippets of just before class.  Here is a tip on how to
        get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a
        book that anybody with any common sense would say.  For example,
        suppose you are studying Moby-Dick.  Anybody with any common sense
        would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters
        in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand
        times.  So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the
        Republic of Ireland.  Your professor, who is sick to death of
        reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
        enormously creative.  If you can regularly come up with lunatic
        interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
 
          PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and
        deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch.
        You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
 
          PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
        Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams.  I once spent an
        entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
        sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing.  The rat
        learned much faster.  My roommate is now a doctor.
 
          If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats,
        you should major in psychology.
 
          SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
        away the number one subject.  I sat through hundreds of hours of
        sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
        once heard or read a coherent statement.  This is because
        sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of
        their time translating simple, obvious observations into
        scientific-sounding code.  If you plan to major in sociology, you'll
        have to learn to do the same thing.  For example, suppose you have
        observed that children cry when they fall down.  You should write:
        "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies
        of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists
        between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior
        forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will
        get a large government grant.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
   1.  Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face
      and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
 
   2.  Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop
      and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
 
   3.  When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on
      duty that you
 
      can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on,
      wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a
      good half hour.
 
   4.  Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to
      you evilly.
 
   5.  Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
      different screen than the one it's set up with.
 
   6.  Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it
      at the highest volume possible over & over again.
 
   7.  Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
      something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
 
   8.  Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
      top-secret Pentagon files.
 
   9.  Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
 
  10.  Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn
      it on.
 
  11.  Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you
      have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
 
  12.  Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes
      at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue
      typing.
 
  13.  Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as
      if they're crazy while typing.
 
  14.  Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before
      starting.
 
  15.  Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until
      someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say,
      "Oops, I forgot."
 
  16.  Every time you press Return and there is processing time
      required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream
      "YES!" when it finishes.
 
  17.  "DISK FIGHT!!!"
 

  18.  Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
      (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to
      make new friends).
 
  19.  Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.
      Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
 
  20.  If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The
      Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time
      required.
 
  21.  Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it
      to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and
      then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
 
  22.  Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive,
      when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
 
  23.  When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
      where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
 
  24.  Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all
      done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
 
  25.  Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After
      doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person
      next to you.
 
  26.  Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the
      person next to you. Grinds some more. Repeat procedure, making
      sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up,
      as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let
      them linger.
 
  27.  If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split
      ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as
      you leave.
 
  28.  Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family
      on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
 
  29.  Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes
      and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by
      layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku
      about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
 
  30.  Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your
      paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain
      about the bad working conditions.
 
  31.  Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
      and continue working.
 
  32.  Bring som dry ice & make it look like your computer is
      smoking.
 
  33.  Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A
      Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum
      its note loudly. Write an entire pape this way.
 
  34.  Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
 
  35.  Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying
      "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the
      keyboard & taking it.
 
  36.  Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
 
  37.  When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
      sometimes the old ways are best.
 
  38.  Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
 
  39.  Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
      until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the
      space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your
      neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times,
      erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your*
      delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space
      bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted
      about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly
      exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar
      this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out
      your document and leave.
 
  40.  Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab
      monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For
      special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk
      drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
 
  41.  Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really
      puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly.
      Keep laughing,grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
 
  42.  Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
      elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or
      the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up
      from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh,
      good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
 
  43.  Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

  44.  See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk
      to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before
      they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
 
  45.  Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
      effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
 
  46.  Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that
      the lead doesn't work.
 
  47.  Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species
      of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence,
      then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss
      the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy
      mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then
      the computer assistant, and walk out.
 
  48.  Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
      then calmly sit down and begin to type.
 
  49.  Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
      chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest
      person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my
      pet crocodile for the next week".
 
  50.  Two words: Tesla Coil.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Computer Gender
 

Top ten reason why computers are male:

They have a lot of data but are still clueless
A better model is just around the corner
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home
It is always necessary to have a back-up
They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either ones is the games you can play
In order to get their attention you have to turn them on
The light's are on but nobody's at home
Big power surges knock them out for the night
Size does matter
 

Top ten reasons why computers are female

picky, picky, picky
They hear what you say but not what you mean
Beauty is only shell deep
When you ask what's wrong they say nothing
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed
Always turning simple statements into big productions
Smalltalk is important
You do the same thing for years and suddenly it's wrong
They make you take the garbage out
Miss a period and they go wild

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

        Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
tool sets for under $4?"  An excellent question.
        Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
administration.  In either the hardware or housewares department,
you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
that Americans might use around the home.  Buy it.
        This is the kind of tool set professionals use.  Not only is it
inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
direct sunlight.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

******************************************
NEW 1996 COMPUTER VIRUSES YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT:

JOHN BOBBIT VIRUS
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But
that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly
expands back to 200MB.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of
impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If
you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole
damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS
Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour
out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything
is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just
thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of
which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the
most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their
data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin
or error).

TEXAS VIRUS
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1
The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't
allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting.

MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much
for the AT&T virus.

FREUDIAN VIRUS
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs --
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across
rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

SEARS VIRUS
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply
and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts
money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive
shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a
bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on
the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your
hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional
Virus.

NEW YORK JETS VIRUS
Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and
erases them in "self-defense."

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS
Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews,
but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS
Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its
programmer will take it back.

O.J. VIRUS
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of
your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 One man was explaining to another why he fired his secretary:
 Two weeks ago, it was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot when
 I got
 up that morning anyway. I went into my breakfast knowing that my wife
 would be
 pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me, but she
 didn't even say "Good Morning."
 
 I said,"Well, that's a wife for you, the children will remember." The
 children
 came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office,
 I was
 feeling very low and despondent.
 
 As I walked inti my office, Janet said, "Good Morning,boss... Happy
 Birthday."
 Then I felt a little better that someone remembered.
 
 I worked until noon. About noon she knocked at the door and said, "you know,
 it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday. Let's go out to
 lunch- just you and me ". So I said, "That's the best thing I've heard all
 day.Let's go".
 
 We went to lunch. We didn't go to the place we usually went to. Instead we
 went
 to a little place in the country, which was more private.We had two martinis,
 and lunch was tremendous. We enjoyed it a lot. On the way back to the office,
 she said,"You know. it's such a beautiful day. Do we have to go back to the
 office?" I said, "No, I guess not".

 She said, "let's go over to my apartment and I'll fix yu another martini". We
 went to her apartment.We enjoyed another martini and smoked a cigarette. she
 said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and change into
 something more comfortable." I said," OK" as I didn't mind a bit.
 
 She went into the bedroom, and in about five mintues she came out of the
 bedroom
 carrying a large birthday cake, followed by my wife and children, and they
 were
 all singing "Happy Birthday."
 
 And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

McDonnell Douglas
AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important!

 Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase!

 Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military
aircraft.  In order to protect your new investment, please take a
few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.

 Answering the survey questions is not required, but the
information will help us to develop new products that best meet
your needs and desires.
 
 

 1. _Mr.  _Mrs.  _Ms.  _Miss  _Lt.  _Gen.  _Comrade
    _Classified _Other
 
 
 

First Name____________________Initial____Last

Name_________________________

Latitude____________________ Longitude__________________________

Altitude____________________
 

Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________

 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

   _F-14 Tomcat   _F-15 Eagle  _F-16 Falcon  _F-19A Stealth

   _Classified

 3. Date of purchase:  Month___________Day___________Year____________

 4. Serial Number____________________

 5. Please check where this product was purchased:

 ___ Received as Gift/Aid Package
 ___ Catalog Showroom
 ___ Sleazy Arms Broker
 ___ Mail Order
 ___ Discount Store
 ___ Government Surplus
 ___ Classified

 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
 

 ___ Heard loud noise, looked up
 ___ Store Display
 ___ Espionage
 ___ Recommended by friend/relative/ally
 ___ Political lobbying by Manufacturer
 ___ Was attacked by one

 7.  Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced
your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
 

 ___ Style/Appearance
 ___ Kickback/Bribe
 ___ Recommended by salesperson
 ___ Speed/Maneuverability
 ___ Comfort/Convenience
 ___ McDonnell Douglas Reputation
 ___ Advanced Weapons Systems
 ___ Price/Value
 ___ Back-Room Politics
 ___ Negative experience opposing one in combat

 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

 ___ North America
 ___ Central/South America
 ___ Aircraft Carrier
 ___ Europe
 ___ Middle East
 ___ Africa
 ___ Asia/Far East
 ___ Misc. Third-World Countries
 ___ Classified

 9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend
to purchase in the near future:
 

 Product                Own             Intend to purchase
 Color TV
 VCR
 ICBM
 Killer Satellite
 CD Player
 Air-to-Air Missiles
 Space Shuttle
 Home Computer
 Nuclear Weapon

 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?

Check all that apply:
 

 ___ Communist/Socialist
 ___ Terrorist
 ___ Crazed (Islamic)
 ___ Crazed (Other)
 ___ Neutral
 ___ Democratic
 ___ Dictatorship
 ___ Corrupt (Latin American)
 ___ Corrupt (Other)
 ___ Primitive/Tribal

 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

 ___ Cash
 ___ Suitcases of Cocaine
 ___ Oil Revenues
 ___ Deficit Spending
 ___ Personal Check
 ___ Credit Card
 ___ Ransom Money
 ___ Traveler's Check

 12. Occupation                    You        |       Your Spouse

 Homemaker
 Sales/Marketing
 Revolutionary
 Clerical
 Mercenary
 Tyrant
 Middle Management
 Eccentric Billionaire
 Defense Minister/General
 Retired
 Student

 13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:

 Activity/Interest                  You        |       Your Spouse
 Golf
 Boating/Sailing
 Sabotage
 Running/Jogging
 Propaganda/Disinformation
 Destabilizing/Overthrow
 Default on Loans
 Gardening
 Crafts
 Black Market/Smuggling
 Collectibles/Collections
 Watching Sports on TV
 Wines
 Interrogation/Torture
 Household Pets
 Crushing Rebellions
 Espionage/Reconnaissance
 Fashion Clothing
 Border Disputes
 Mutually Assured Destruction

 Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you
to receive mailings and special offers from other companies,
governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

 Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to:

 McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
 Marketing Department
 Military Aerospace Division
 P.O. Box 800
 St. Louis, MO 55500

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     The Gentleman had a serious problem.  He had made several attempts
  to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. The
  stewardess noticed that he was walking funny,  taking small steps, and
  with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir", she said; "The ladies
  restroom is unoccupied.  You may use it if you promise not to touch any
  of the buttons on the wall."  He was about to pop, and would have
  promised anything, so he agreed to her terms.
 
     The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling,
  he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons
  were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one
  red button labeled "ATR".
 
    Who would really know if he touched them?  He couldn't just sit there
  and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm
  Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.  Such a nice feeling came
  over him.  The Men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.
  Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm
  Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying
  his underside.  He knew what he was going to do when the warm air
  stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large
  Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring
  flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.  The ladies room was far more than
  a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly
  wait for the powder puff to quit.  When it did, he pushed what he knew
  was going to be the ultimate joy!
 
     He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes.  A nurse
  was staring down at him with a smirk on her face...
 
                                *****
 
     "What happened?!  How did I get here?! The last thing I remember, I
  was in the ladies restroom on a flight to Atlanta!!!"
     "You pushed one too many buttons.", replied the nurse, as her smirk
  expanded to a grin.  "That last button marked "ATR" is an Automatic
  Tampax Remover.  Your penis is under your pillow."
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
         These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning.
 One is detained in  the clubhouse, and the other three are
 discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
 
      "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the
 homebuilding industry.  He began as a carpenter, but now owns his
 own design and construction firm.  He's so successful in fact,
 in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new
 home as a gift."
 
      The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began
 his career as a  car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
 "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
 friend two brand new cars as a gift."
 
      The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock
 brokerage.  And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a
 large stock portfolio as a gift.

      As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him
 that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line
 his son is in.  "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with
 how my son has turned out," he  replies.  "For fifteen years,
 he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently  discovered that
 he's homosexual.  But, on the bright side, he must be good at
 what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a
 brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
        An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied by a
belief in the tooth fairy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sweater, n.:
        A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 At long last... The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says
 something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).
 
 
 
 1You want = You want
 
 
 2We need = I want
 
 
 3It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
 
 
 4Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
 
 
 5We need to talk = I need to complain.
 
 6Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
 
 7I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
 
 8You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
 
 9You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
 
 10Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
 
 11This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
 
 12I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
 
 13I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
 
 14Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
 
 15I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
 
 
 16Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
 
 17How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
 going to like.
 
 18I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
 on T.V.
 
 19Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
 
 
 20You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
 
 21Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
 
 22Yes = No
 
 23No = No
 
 24Maybe = No
 
 25I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
 
 26Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used
 to it.
 
 27Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he
 goes to sleep.
 
 28I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
 
 29All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're
 stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look
 at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink  sheets would look great in
 the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 A Day in the Life of a Grad Student.
 
 6:30am  Wakeup and lie awake in Bed
 6:31    Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means
         no eating outfor the next 6 weeks
 6:32    Hit snooze button.  Go back to sleep.
 7:00    Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize
         you didn't hit the snooze button--you turned it off.
 7:01    fall asleep again.
 7:44    Wake up with heart in mouth again.
 7:45    Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow, will eat
         early brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's
         whatever cafeteria).
 8:03    Arrive at school
         Realize your  officemate arrived earlier today
         must have got more work done
 8:04    Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to
         find out if he is coming in today. He is, darn.
         Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon.
 8:15    Read electronic mail
 8:20    Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201
         regarding questions about the class.
         Hate your TA job.
         Depression: too much work to do today
 9:00    For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine.
 9:05    Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up
         the company and ask for your money back.
         Wonder why they would beleive you.
 9:33    Start printing out loads of stuff that may be
         vaguely related to your work.
 9:41    Early morning stupefaction.
 9:58    Finger everyone in the department and most people
         half way around the world (using the "finger"
         command, of course)
 10:19   Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing
         tetris last night
 10:31   momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
 10:43   edit .plan file. write a shell program to
         edit .plan more easily
 10:59   Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something
         you don't need & and kinda make him aware you are
         working hard on your project.
 11:05   perverted daydreams
 11:11   read electronic news
         mid-morning yawn time
 11:34   Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to
         pretend you are working hard as your advisor passes
         by from outside.
 11:35   Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minutes
         until all the garbage you typed in is erased.
         Realize that you can type more than 256 characters
         per half minute
 11:41   Flirt with the new girl/guy in the department
 11:45   Print out some slides for afternoon's draft
         + presentation
 11:47   Print them again, you forgot to change the date
         from last presentation
 11:49   Print another copy in case this one gets lost
 11:51   Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine
         company
 12:15   Hunger pangs:
 12:20   BigMac/Fries time
         Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your desk.
         Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola.
 1:00    Group Meeting with advisor
 1:14    Sudden awareness of one's shallowness
         Resentment towards officemate for sucking up to
         your advisor
         Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do
         some more work for your literature survey.
 1:51    Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft
         for corrections
 1:51:02      The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!
 1:51:52      Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/
              graduation possibility/graduation date/all job
              opportunities/ and the rest of your life.
 1:52:53      Thank him
 1:52:54      Thank yourself for not saying something stupid
              to your advisor.
 1:53:00      Splitting headache #1
 1:59    Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are
         too busy to do that
 2:06    More generic cola
 2:17    Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonite :-(
 2:30    Sit through the class you were told to sit through
 2:39    Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to
         quit this degree program and take up a job.
 2:48    More perverted day-dreams.
         Close the office door and open a few .gif files.
         Sharpen pencil
 3:06    Worry about never graduating
         Time to write a letter--NOT!  no time for that.
         Rearrange desk
         Call up bank; see if you have any money
         Fear of losing aid next Fall
         Read latex manuals to figure out how to put &$%&%
         in %$^% format
3:43    Watch the clock
         Make plans to do a all-nighter tonite
         Vow to watch only 2 TV programs
 4:58    Notice Advisor leave
 4:58:01      Sudden sense of freedom
              Go home for quick, short dinner break.
 9:00pm  Come into the office
 9:01pm  The hard working grad student you are, you have
         to come to the office late at night to "get the
         work done"
 9:03    Check electronic mail
         Decide it would be a good time to attack those ftp
         sites since network wont be loaded
         Run into "since network wont be loaded" traffic
         and get the pictures into your machine.
         Compress all unwanted research/class directories to
         make space.
         Back up all your pictures
 10:11   Admire pictures
         Begin work; Realize you need references
         Realize its too late today to go to the library
         Sudden feeling of having wasted the day
 10:49   Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night
         Decide to turn in early and come back very early
         tomorrow morning
         Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put yourself
         in a good mood.
 11:15   Play game after game after game to improve your
         score and get on the scoreboard.
         Realize that your officemate is still at number 6,
         two notches above you on the scoreboard.
 12:20   Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place.
         A sense of achievement!! Yes, today was not wasted!!
         Return home to find your roommate watching David
         Letterman reruns on NBC.  Tell him about the "hard
         working grad student day you had"
         Discuss philosophy with roommate
 1:09    Think about becoming a philosopher and dining
         with 4 others (The Dining Philosophers problem,
         hee hee :-)  (Comp Sci joke)
         Argue with him about politics, why people prefer
         Japanese cars and whether it is better to set the
         heat to "hot" or "cold" to defrost the windshields
         faster.
 1:49    Realize neither of you have bought milk today
         Get reminded of the "too much milk problem"
 2:04    Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer
         off and go to sleep.
 
 (repeat)
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell.  He's really depressed
  as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance
  counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I
  wasn't that bad.  I never thought it would come to this." Looking up
  he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a
  heavy
  heart, he walks up to the counselor.
 
  COUNSELOR:
  What's the problem, you look depressed?
 
  GUY:
  Well, what do you think?  I'm in hell.
 
COUNSELOR:
  Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun.  Do you like to
  drink?
 
  GUY:
  Sure, I love to drink.
 
  COUNSELOR:
  Well then, you are going to love Mondays.  On Mondays we drink up a
  storm.  You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and
  as much a you want. We party all night long.  You'll love Mondays.  Do
  you smoke?
 
  GUY:
  Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
 
  COUNSELOR:
  You are going to love Tuesdays.  Tuesday is smoke day.  You get to
  smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere.  And
  you
  smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because
  you are already dead!   Is that great or what?  You are going to love
  Tuesdays.  Do you do drugs?
 
  GUY:
  Well in my younger days I experimented a little.
 
  COUNSELOR:
  You are going to love Wednesdays.  That's drug day.  You can
  experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about
  overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead!  You are
  going to love Wednesdays.
  Do you gamble?
 
  GUY:
  Yes, I love to gamble.
 
  COUNSELOR:
  You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night.
  Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going
  to love Thursdays.  Are you gay?
 
  GUY:
  Well, no I'm not.
 
  COUNSELOR:
  Oooh , you're gonna hate Fridays...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
 
  MEN - WOMEN - THEY DO ACT/THINK DIFFERENT
 
             NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
 
    Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!
    After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
    topics, these facts have emerged.
 
 
 Relationships:
 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he
 refers to it as "that time when me and Sharon were doing it on a semi-
 regular basis".
 
 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
 Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
 
 A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
 just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive
 you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to
 know that there's always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I
 Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have
 made at least once.  There are community colleges that offer courses
 to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
 effective.
 
 Sex:
 
 Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
 foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
 foreplay.
 
 Maturity:
 
 Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
 function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
 cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high
 school romances rarely work out.
 
 Handwriting:
 
 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
 chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
 their "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large
 loops in their "p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note
 from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
 at the end of the note.
 
 Bathrooms:
 
 A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
 Inn.  The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
 437.  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
 
 Groceries:
 
 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
 and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his
 fridge are half a lime and a Blue.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He
 buys everything that looks good.  By the time a man reached the
 checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car
 on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going
 to the 10-items-or-less lane.
 
 Going Out:
 
 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
 When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her
 makeup...
 
 Cats:
 
 Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
 looking, men kick cats.
 
 Offspring:
 
 Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about
 dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is
 vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
 Low Blows:
 
 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One of
 the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.  That
 must hurt."  The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
 
 Dressing Up:
 
 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.   A man will
 dress up for: weddings, funerals.
 
 David Letterman:
 
 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
 haircut.
 
 Laundry:
 
 Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article
 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
 eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally
 out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
 U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always
 expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth.

 Weddings:
 
 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men
 talk about "the bachelor party".
 
 Socks:
 
 Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.  Women
 wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
 
 Nicknames:
 
 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
 will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if
 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
 affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut
 Brain and Useless.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

                          Classified Ads
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
-------------------------------------------------------------

      Illiterate?  Write today for free help.
 
      Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.

      Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard,
      meals, and smacks included.

      Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

      Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to
      travel.
 
      Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

      Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
 
      3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
      preferred.

      Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom
      for efficient beating.
 
      Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
      illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

      Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
      Children $2.00

      For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
      large drawers.

      Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
      extra pair to take home, too.
 
      We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it
      carefully by hand.

      For sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

      Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
      condition.

      Tired of cleaning yourself.  Let me do it.

      Vacation Special:  have your home exterminated. Get rid of
      aunts.  Zap does the job in 24 hours.

      Toaster:  A gift that every member of the family  appreciates.
           Automatically burns toast.

      For Rent:  6-room hated apartment.
 
      Man, honest.  Will take anything.
 
      Used Cars:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

      Christmas tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find
      person.

      Wanted:  Hair cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

      Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

      Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.
 
      Wanted.  Widower with school age children requires person to
      assume general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of
      contributing to growth of family.

      And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in
      variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

      We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your
      home for $1.00.

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Job interview
 
   Three guys go to a job interview.
   The man that's giving the job interview doesn't
   have any ears.
   The first guy goes into the office for his interview.
   The man says to him,
    "The job that you're applying for requires powers
     of observation. Make one observation about me."
   So the guy says,
    "You ain't got no ears!"
    "Get out!!" screams the interviewer.
   So, the next guy gets up and goes in.
   The interviewer says to the guy,
    "The job that you're applying for requires powers
     of observation. Make one observation about me".
   The guy says,
    "You got no ears."
    "Get out!!!" screams the interviewer again.
 
   Then the third guy gets up to go in for his interview.
   The first two guys are out there and they tell him,
    "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't have any
     ears and he's kind of touchy about it."
    "Thanks for the tip" says the third guy.
   So he goes in for the interview and again the man says,
    "The job that you are applying for requires powers of
     observation. Make one observation about me."
   So the guy stares at him a while and finally says
    "You've got contact lenses".
   The interviewer is impressed and says
    "Good observation, but how could you tell?".
   The guys says
    "Well you couldn't wear glasses, you've got no f**
     ears".